i’ve always thought of myself as a fairly confident person. of course i have always had insecurities, and things i’ve wished i could change, but i was ok. i had a lot of friends in high school and college – people liked me – and i felt like a pretty smart individual who had some things to say. but that all seems to have changed over the last few years..
i still consider myself to be a pretty smart individual who has some things to say. but without the structure of high school or college…i’m feeling a bit lost. no one really prepares you for “real life” or how completely pointless it can feel. when you’re young you dream about the future. you dream about going to college, having your own apartment, meeting someone you want to marry. when you’re in college everyone pats you on the back and pushes you to get through and graduate. get that degree! but they don’t tell you about what’s waiting for you once you graduate. student loans that you will literally be paying back for 20 years and a full-time job that will make you want to gouge your eyes out (mostly because it has nothing to do with that expensive degree). and they don’t tell you that apartments are really expensive, and you’ll have to work a lot at said job just to make rent..and the novelty of having your own space will wear off because you won’t be able to afford the most expensive couch, or lamp, or… you know, toilet paper.
ok ok. i don’t actually hate my life – i feel like i need to make a disclaimer. i’m really lucky. i have a place to sleep at night, and i never go hungry, and i can afford toilet paper. i live in a cool town with lots of things going on (even though the traffic sucks and people keep flocking here), and i’m married to a really sweet, caring, intelligent guy. but someone should have warned me that i wouldn’t always live in a dorm with 35 friends around at any given time. or that i wouldn’t always get to spend the majority of my time listening to really intelligent professors talk about things they love. i guess someone probably did tell me this – and it didn’t register. that’s probably where the saying “youth is wasted on the young” comes from, huh.
anyway, i’m struggling a bit right now to find my footing. i’m trying to still feed my creative side – while i spend 40 hours a week in a cubicle. it’s not natural to sit at a desk all day, and yet so many of us do it. so many of us HAVE to do it. so what is the solution? it seems like only really successful people say stupid shit like “do what you love and you won’t work a day in your life.” but what do you do when you don’t know what you love? or you know what you love but you can’t make money doing it? that’s what i want to know. those are the answers i want.
for now, i’m trying to make the best of my free time. the few precious hours i have when i’m not sitting in a little box at the office and looking longingly out the window. i’m trying to create more art. write. read. get outside. i do think it’s possible to work a job you don’t love and still have a creative life, but it’s a tough go.
any suggestions on how to manage this? any advice you would have liked to hear at 25? i promise not all my writings will be so whiny, this is just some background so you’ll know where i’m headed and what my mission/purpose is. i read a lot of blogs where the authors seem very happy and content and free. they blog full-time and don’t understand the grind of an office job. but so many of us live that reality. and so many of us feel unfulfilled. so i hope this blog can be a catalyst for my creative endeavors, and i hope to share those endeavors here, with you. wish me luck.